Great Mother
A
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, “I’ve some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.”
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. “Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. Let’s head to the club and have a martini.
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, “Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.”
The woman said, “I don’t want any of those witches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”
Avoid Sleep in Office
To avoid sleep…
Follow like this to ease your neck & shoulder pain
Wa..wa.. aaa
Move to the right and then to the left
After that, move to the left and then to the right
Just follow. Don’t force yourself to do 360 degrees, 180 degreeswill do. Bend down a bit like you gonna faint. Repeat a few times till you’re bored
Grab anything on your desk and smash your head hard. If you are still sleepy smash harder
After that move your feet and swing your body a bit like this. Do it like
it’s nobody’s business and remember to smile
Move your feet and body just a bit like this…. Do it like there’s no problem at all…
And now more aggressive! Don’t bother about what others say
Let go of all your stress….
If your boss ask what you are doing, move your head slowly like this and tell them you’re dying in the office
When your boss walks off, get your colleague to join you and move your body like this. The more the merrier…
Finally, dance like a cat
If you are still sleepy despite all these, just grab your small pillow and sleep under your desk (at your own risk) 
What an Answer
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about nuclear power?’ and he smiles.
‘OK, ‘ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass – . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’
To which the little girl replies, ”Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t even know about shit..? ”
Marketing at its Worst
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”
The salesman explained
“When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters…
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand…totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And then these posters were pasted all over the place.
“Then that should have worked!” said the friend.
“The hell it should had!? said the salesman. didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left”
Whoz your Role Model ?
To find who is your role model, try the below mentioned method.
please don’t look down until you do it, you’ll love it I promise
GET A CALCULATOR (YOUR COMPUTER HAS ONE ON IT)
- Pick your favorite number between 1-9
- Multiply by 3 then
- Add 3, then again Multiply by 3 (I’ll wait while you get the calculator….)
- You’ll get a 2 or 3 digit number….
- Add the digits together
Now Scroll down ………….. Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:
- Einstein
- Nelson Mandela
- Abraham Lincoln
- Salman Khan
- Bill Gates
- Gandhi
- Sachin Tendulkar
- Thomas Edison
- Dev D
- Abraham Lincoln
I know….
I just have that effect on people…. one day you too can be like me… 
Believe it!
P.S.: Stop picking different numbers. I am your idol, just deal with it!!!!
Husband 1.0
distinct slow down in overall system performance – particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no
longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried
running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
1.0 is an Operating System.
download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 > update.
run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, over use of
the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a
very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
background, that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
and cannot learn new applications quickly.
performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Tech Support
software engineer
software engineer |
A software engineer booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. At least for a while.
A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shores of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
Used to five-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So, for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: “Where did you come from, and how did you get here?”
“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she said.
“I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” the software engineer said, “I didn’t know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”
“It’s only me,” she said, “and the rowboat didn’t wash up: nothing did.”
He was confused, “Then how did you get the rowboat?”
“Oh, simple,” replied the woman. “I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree.”
“But, but, that’s impossible,” stuttered the man. “You had no tools or hardware – how did you manage?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” the woman said. “On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?”
Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
“Well, let’s row over to my place then,” she said.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?”
“No, no, thank you,” he said, still dazed. “I couldn’t drink another drop of coconut juice.”
“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have made a still – How about a Pinacolada?”
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the software engineer accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to have a shower and a shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.”
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism.
“This woman is absolutely amazing,” he mused. “What next?”
When he returned, the woman greeted him. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, brushing her leg against his, “We’ve both been out here for a very long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing to do for all of these months.”
She stared into his eyes. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing – This was like all of his dreams coming true in one day.
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“You mean…, hmmmm” He replied,” yea, can I check my e-mail from here?
How to get fired at work so you can pursue your dreams
At company lunches, conspicuously lick all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
Follow a few paces behind a coworker, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
Go into your boss’s office and tell a ten minute joke, taking uncomfortably long breaks to think about what comes next. Finally, Forget the punchline, but assure your boss it was a “real hoot.”
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.
Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with the prophesy.”
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
During a meeting, concentrate very hard–tongue hanging out and eyes squinting–on disassembling your pen and then “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
Scream “PAINT!” every time someone is about to sit down. Then remark you keep forgetting to put it on your shopping list.
Men and Women Marriage
* Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.
* Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
* Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I’m blue. U r my headache, one day I’ll kill u.
* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
* Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
* Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
* Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
Shayari and Fun 
